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The Engagement Ring Saga: When You Don’t Like The Ring
A few weeks ago I shared our Amalfi proposal story.
Here’s the condensed version: Zee, the man of my dreams, asked me to marry him on a boat just for two off the Amalfi coast and I felt like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world!
That is, until the day after, when I started to worry about ‘the engagement ring’…
The truth is it just wasn’t ‘me’ {it was big, bold and flashy, whereas I don’t actually wear much jewelry, and when I do, it’s delicate and dainty.} But when the man you love has just got down on one knee and asked you to be his wife because he wants to love you forever, the last thing you want to do is mention any doubts you have about the ring he’s spent months saving up for and carefully chosen for you!
Zee asked me soon after he proposed if I liked the ring and I said yes, of course, I love it! Wouldn’t you have?
This is actually quite hard to write about, it was a very sore subject between us for a long time.
It’s hard because on the one hand I felt like an ungrateful, spoilt brat for even considering changing the ring and on the other I felt justified in my decision to tell Zee about my doubts and asking to change the ring. Which I did a few days later…
After the excitement of our boat trip, we rushed back to the hotel, ringing our closest family and friends, taking numerous photos…many of me showing off the ring!!! {It was actually too big for my finger so we’d spoken about getting it resized when we got back to London.}
This ring shot below was my idea…oh the shame!
Then I left the ring in it’s special little box, in our hotel room, while we went out for our celebratory dinner in Amalfi town. When we got back to the room, I opened the ring box again, hoping to see the ring in a new light, with fresh eyes but my heart sank because I knew for certain that I couldn’t happily wear it for the rest of my life. I’d always be settling for a ring that just wasn’t ‘me’.
That night, the guilt crept in. So did the questions:
Should I speak up or keep quiet?
Why would Zee buy me a ring that is so obviously ‘not me’?
Why should it matter what the ring looks like? It’s merely a symbol of our love and the promises we would soon be making to each other.
Why didn’t Zee try to find out about my dream ring or ask my friends or family for advice before he bought it?
Zee chose it especially for me and no doubt agonized over his decision for ages so I should accept my amazing gift and learn to love it. Shouldn’t I?
If the tables were turned I would want Zee to have a ring that he loved and not to ‘settle’ for anything less.
But Zee would be so hurt if I said I didn’t like it…
Oh the drama that was going on in my head!
So a few days later we had ‘the talk’. Zee was hurt. I cried. It was horrible.
But we eventually came to a solution. As the ring needed to be resized anyway, I’d change the band and setting for a more delicate version and keep the original diamond he chose {which by the way is beautiful}. I have a sneaky suspicion that Zee {and most men} are under the impression the bigger the better!
{Before = tanned & After = pale}
As you can see there’s not a huge difference, its the band width & the pear shaped diamonds at the side. Zee had said something really sweet about the original ring being made up of 3 parts, me and him on the sides and our future children in the middle! {Awwwww!} So we had to keep the power of 3 symbolism!
I ADORE my ring and wear it with pride everyday. It is the most beautiful object I own and it means so much to me because it represents our commitment to each other and also the compromises we make for each other. We both agree that even though it was hard, I made the right decision by speaking up about my doubts.
So dear readers, if you or anyone you know find yourself in a similar predicament, I’d recommend being honest about your feelings.
Those of you who are engaged/married, please do share your ring stories {or sagas} and your thoughts. Is honesty always the best policy?
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19 Responses and Counting...
Awww, such a sweet post! I enjoyed reading your ‘ring adventures’! Love the final version of it, and well done you for having ‘the talk’ about changing it. It is beautiful! x
Well done for being honest…..you couldn’t start a marriage on a lie! He would have been more hurt if you didn’t tell him how you felt.
What a perfect proposal too….your ring is stunning and not much different from the original at all. He did a very good job in choosing it….just needed a thinner band! x
You definitely did the right thing – very beautiful it is, too!
I was very lucky. The ring the boy chose for me was perfect, both in style and (somewhat amazingly) size!
I admire your honesty, and I think I would have done the same in your boat.
Have to admit that when the boy proposed, I wasn’t sure about the ring. I had never worn a ring before and wasn’t sure if it was very ‘me’. Luckily that feelings quickly wore off and I now love it…. plus when he proposed, it was by candle light so I couldn’t see very well!
Absolutely love your ring, it’s stunning!
xoxo
I love your ‘now’ ring!! I also think you did the right thing, I know it can sound very spoilt brattish but, this is something you are going to wear forever!!!
Chris did pick out my ring (which I love), however, I did show him the style I liked first!!
xx
Awww thank you sooo much for your comments, I really appreciate them. Think I’ll always feel guilty about not sticking with the ring Zee originally chose but you’re right Gina, we couldn’t start our marriage on a lie!
Very happy for you girls who got your perfect rings first time round {and just a little bit jealous} ;) xxx
Such a sweet story and I’m so glad u spoke up…u couldn’t have been thinking about that forever !! I always knew I had to choose my own ring and after 8 years of making sure the boy knew this he chose me a dummy ring for the proposal and we chose the actual ring together. He once tried to buy me a watch for my bday which I didn’t like , i told him and it caused such an argument I knew the engagement ring had to be chosen by me….,I’m the one wearing it afterall…..ur ring looks beautiful btw and that it one gorgeous diamond!!! X x
Thanks Caro, I can really relate to the watch situation…yikes.
Glad your partner got the hint that you wanted to choose your own ring!
I really feel like making a public announcement: dummy rings are the way forward for proposals! LOL x
Oh Wow, how beautiful, i bet he’s relieved you spoke upwhen you did and not later :) My fiance was a sneak in the ring choosing, he made an off the cuff remark about getting engaged one day and what sort of ring would i like – i was always wearing big bulky unusual stone rings and i think he was scared it would have to be something similar :P I’m not a big fan of the ‘usual’ and told him rather than diamond i’d like a green stone. He proposed a couple of months later at the spot where we first kissed and presented me with a delicate white gold band with tiny diamonds and an oval green amethyst in the centre :)
xx
My fiance and I have a somewhat similar story. My fiance asked me to marry him after a few months of dating. At the time, he just didn’t have the money to purchase a ring and I understood his situation. A few years later, he decided he really needed to get me a ring and had saved enough to purchase a modest ring. Being a modest girl, that was exactly what I wanted. We went together but since I rarely wear jewelry and had never even thought about diamonds, I was clueless about the 3 Cs: color, cut, and clarity. So when we went to the jewelers, I saw a simple, white gold band with a small, round solitare. It looked beautiful to me. It was the one. He paid for it and we left. A few days later, I was gazing into the diamond during a particularly boring chemistry class and saw something fuzzy in the middle of the stone. Cleaning the diamond didn’t make it better. I went to another jeweler to ask what it was. She told me there was a “flaw” in the stone. At first I thought “oh well, this is what I picked.” But it wore on me. I debated for several days about saying something to my fiance but eventually I told him. I had the same feelings as you, Elizabeth. But I told myself that this was the only diamond that I ever cared to own and I didn’t want it to have any flaws; at least not such obvious ones. The fact that it had taken so much to save for even a modest ring made it all the more important. He had purchased the ring on sale at a local department store that closed at the beginning of the recession in 2008. The jeweler in no way wanted to take the ring back…why would he…it had a flaw. I felt that the flaw should have been pointed out at the time of purchase. I spoke with (cried to) the manager and he made arrangements for us. In order to keep the same price on the ring, we took a small decrease in size to improve the clarity. I have forgotten the numbers of the 3 Cs as they are not important to me. What is important is that I love the ring on my finger and the man who gave to me and the fact that he was understanding of my concern with the original. Our wedding is this October so we’ll be picking wedding bands soon. I think it will go more smoothly this time! :-)
Wow! I love rings with coloured stones, your engagement ring sounds beautiful! x
Thanks so much for sharing your story, that must’ve been such a hard decision. I’m clueless about the 3 Cs too but I know that if I saw a noticeable fuzzy, flaw I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it either. I’m impressed with your bargaining skills, I wouldn’t have thought you’d be able to swap the ring! So glad it all worked out in the end. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your plans {and the wedding band shopping!} x
I feel so encouraged by reading your post. I have been married for 5 years now & have never liked my engagement ring. It’s just a plain solitaire with a dainty diamond in the middle, but I’ve always been a creative person & would prefer something a bit more unusual, whether simply a twist in the band or some coloured stones.
I didn’t tell my hubby my feelings until we’d been married for a year which was a big mistake – I should have had the courage to do it at the time! Everytime a friend gets engaged I always feel really sad about the ring. It’s so silly…I have the man of my dreams! And I’m not a materialistic person, the ring just isn’t ‘me.’ I’ve been thinking about getting it reset or having something added to it, but i hate bringing up the subject as I feel it hurts my hubby. Any advice? 5.5 years feels a long time to have lived with it :( x
I’m so glad you’re feeling encouraged by my story, I cringe every time I think about it. But thankfully Zee and I can laugh about it now! :)
(I would love to know what he would have done if I’d bought him a dainty, feminine wedding band covered in diamonds! I’m pretty sure he’d have spoken up and said it wasn’t quite right for him lol)
I agree it sucks to feel materialistic when you’re really not at all but your engagement ring is something very personal. And as you say, it’s something women are always sharing with each other. So I can understand that sad feeling. 5.5 years IS a long time to have lived with a ring you’re not happy with.
Your ideas sound beautiful to make it more ‘you’.
It is a tricky situation but I think the length of time you’ve been married may help to ease any hurt pride on your husband’s part. Maybe a year in when you mentioned it, it still felt a bit raw. But you’ve grown together since then, I’m sure you feel totally and utterly comfortable in each other’s company. So hopefully you can have an open, honest discussion about it and explain that the last thing you want to do is hurt his feelings.
Perhaps you could suggest it as an anniversary gift? Say that you’re not interested in new jewelry or clothes as you already wear your favourite accessory everyday :)
You could explain that over the past few years you’ve grown into your personal style and maybe before you had liked the thought of a traditional ring, now you’d like something a little bit extra / creative added.
Stress the fact that you don’t want to get a new ring/diamond and that you love it because he chose it for you, it’s just that you want to make it a little more unique / ‘you’. You could even suggest adding an inscription too (if don’t already have one) to make it seem all romantic and anniversary appropriate ;)
Wishing you the very best of luck,
If you get a chance, please let us know how you get on xx
I just had a very similar situation and decided it was worth mentioning based upon whether or not I wanted to hurt his feelings temporarily, or look down at my hand and always be unhappy. I broke my finacee’s heart by telling him I wasn’t crazy about my ring and only loved it because he did. In doing so, I broke mine as well for hurting him. I cried a ton, and it was awful. Mostly he was shocked because a) he thought I wast trying to put off marrying him (never occurred to me that he’d think that) and b) I had gone on and on about loving it for a week (trying to reassure him and myself that I liked it).
We immediately went to the jewelry store to pick out another band (the diamond was beautiful and I definitely didn’t want to change it). I tried on the bands that I thought I liked better, from having looked online a few months prior (HUGE MISTAKE). In the end, after we browsed hundreds of rings, and I tried several on, I didn’t like any of them better than the ring I walked in with. Talk about wondering how you’re going to get out of an awkward situation.
In the end, I wish I had gone on my own and looked at some rings before telling him that I didn’t love mine since it’s what I ended up keeping. Definitely would recommend knowing exactly what you want prior to doing what I did. Luckily, my fiancee forgave me and everything is fine, and now I know that I do love my ring and never will doubt it again. Unfortunately, I’m still coping for being such an ungrateful jerk, but my fiancee has let it pass, and soon I will too.
I have a similar dilemma… My fiance and I have been engaged for over 1 year now, and are getting married this August, 2013. He custom designed my engagement ring using the diamonds from his great-grandmother’s ring. I love antique, vintage style jewelry, and I love the idea that I have heirloom stones in a ring made just for me. But…. the style is not me. Before he proposed we talked about types and styles of rings and stones, I showed him pictures of ones I liked and ones I didn’t, etc. And unfortunately, the ring he designed reminds me of a ring I specifically said I didn’t like. The ring is yellow gold (which I love), with 3 diamonds on a slant like a backslash (), 2 diamonds on either side with two pointed ends going up and down, and a large band to accommodate the diamonds. However, the points and large band make the ring seem harsh, jagged, and asymmetrical, and I like styles that look whimsical, soft, and delicate. I don’t want to upset him because I know he worked really hard with the jeweler making this custom ring, but it’s almost time to get a wedding band, and because of the unique (and awkward) shape of the engagement ring, the wedding band will have to be custom made as well… I just don’t know how it’s going to work out. I’ve casually brought up that I don’t know what kind of wedding band will go with it, but he just says “We’ll figure it out.” While other people have said it’s pretty and nice and so on, I have had someone else tell me it looks like their old grandmother’s… which isn’t really something you want to hear. I don’t want to seem selfish or ungrateful for what he gave me, but at the same time, I want something that will fill me with happiness and love every time I see it, since I will be wearing it for the rest of my life. What should I do?
Oh goodness, what a difficult predicament. How sweet of your fiance for designing it himself, it’s such a shame he didn’t get it quite right. It’s a very unique ring – don’t think I’ve ever seen one like it before. It’s beautiful but yes, not for the faint hearted or traditional!
I tend to think, it’s been a year and you haven’t mentioned it yet so maybe you like it more than you think? But if that’s not the case and you can’t imagine looking at it for the rest of your life, perhaps you should speak up now or forever hold your peace.
Explain that you love the thought, effort and especially the history behind the ring – his great grandmother’s diamonds – but that you’d actually prefer a more traditional style so that you can have a traditional wedding band that slots underneath it perfectly too.
Explain that you’ve been thinking a lot more about wearing both rings for the rest of your life and that it’s made you admit something you’d pushed aside so as not to hurt his feelings…
Perhaps you can take it back to the jeweller and work on a new design together?
Or
I actually wear my wedding band and engagement ring on different hands, so that’s an option if you don’t want to have to get a wedding band that fits around your engagement ring. Then you could think about your dream wedding band and have the best of both worlds without hurting your fiance’s feelings.
Best of luck with your ring dilemma and wedding plans, let us know how you get on x
Thanks for sharing, that is such wonderful hindsight advice. I’m so sorry you and your fiance had to go through that – but at least you know for sure now. You could’ve spent years questioning how much you loved your ring and have a niggling feeling that it wasn’t quite right for you. I’m so glad everything turned out alright in the end, please don’t continue to beat yourself up about it. You’re fiancee has forgiven you – I bet he feels very happy/smug that he knows you better than you know yourself! :)
I am currently in this situation. I didn’t have a clue my bf was going to propose, it was a big shock and not only that but he had designed the ring for months before he proposed. Its not that I hate it but I just don’t love it either. He is I guess a lot more materialistic than me so he wanted the biggest and best, (bought a huge rock and then covered everything visible with diamonds) I am more understated, simple and elegant would have been perfect. I’m not a huge fan of platinum and really don’t want a band the same.
Half of the guilt is that you don’t feel like it is anything you should complain about in the first place. I have mentioned it to friends and they think i’m crazy. He has an idea that it wouldn’t have been what i’d pick as we agreed i’d only wear it now and again as its too heavy and big for every day. It had cost him £2000 to design so I can’t ask him to pay to change it. I feel like we are both taking it very personal. I’m wondering why he would give me something so blingy and he is sad i’m not wearing his ring.
I’m not the world’s most enthusiastic bride to be anyway. Its never been a priority of mine to get married, I really don’t want to change my name or how we are together so having something so visible just adds up to the overwhelming feeling of being completely terrified by the whole situation.
When I looked at the picture of your ring I wondered maybe if you could make the diamonds straight on a single band? That might be a good compromise.