• The Engagement Ring Saga: When You Don’t Like The Ring

    A few weeks ago I shared our Amalfi proposal story.

    Here’s the condensed version: Zee, the man of my dreams, asked me to marry him on a boat just for two off the Amalfi coast and I felt like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world!

    That is, until the day after, when I started to worry about ‘the engagement ring’…

    The truth is it just wasn’t ‘me’ {it was big, bold and flashy, whereas I don’t actually wear much jewelry, and when I do, it’s delicate and dainty.} But when the man you love has just got down on one knee and asked you to be his wife because he wants to love you forever, the last thing you want to do is mention any doubts you have about the ring he’s spent months saving up for and carefully chosen for you!

     

    via Martha Stewart Weddings

    Zee asked me soon after he proposed if I liked the ring and I said yes, of course, I love it! Wouldn’t you have?

    This is actually quite hard to write about, it was a very sore subject between us for a long time.

    It’s hard because on the one hand I felt like an ungrateful, spoilt brat for even considering changing the ring and on the other I felt justified in my decision to tell Zee about my doubts and asking to change the ring. Which I did a few days later…

    After the excitement of our boat trip, we rushed back to the hotel, ringing our closest family and friends, taking numerous photos…many of me showing off the ring!!! {It was actually too big for my finger so we’d spoken about getting it resized when we got back to London.}

    This ring shot below was my idea…oh the shame!

    Then I left the ring in it’s special little box, in our hotel room, while we went out for our celebratory dinner in Amalfi town. When we got back to the room, I opened the ring box again, hoping to see the ring in a new light, with fresh eyes but my heart sank because I knew for certain that I couldn’t happily wear it for the rest of my life. I’d always be settling for a ring that just wasn’t ‘me’.

    That night, the guilt crept in. So did the questions:

    Should I speak up or keep quiet?

    Why would Zee buy me a ring that is so obviously ‘not me’?

    Why should it matter what the ring looks like? It’s merely a symbol of our love and the promises we would soon be making to each other.

    Why didn’t Zee try to find out about my dream ring or ask my friends or family for advice before he bought it?

    Zee chose it especially for me and no doubt agonized over his decision for ages so I should accept my amazing gift and learn to love it. Shouldn’t I?

    If the tables were turned I would want Zee to have a ring that he loved and not to ‘settle’ for anything less.

    But Zee would be so hurt if I said I didn’t like it…

    Oh the drama that was going on in my head!

    So a few days later we had ‘the talk’. Zee was hurt. I cried. It was horrible.

    But we eventually came to a solution. As the ring needed to be resized anyway, I’d change the band and setting for a more delicate version and keep the original diamond he chose {which by the way is beautiful}. I have a sneaky suspicion that Zee {and most men} are under the impression the bigger the better!

    {Before = tanned & After = pale}

    As you can see there’s not a huge difference, its the band width & the pear shaped diamonds at the side. Zee had said something really sweet about the original ring being made up of 3 parts, me and him on the sides and our future children in the middle! {Awwwww!} So we had to keep the power of 3 symbolism!

    I ADORE my ring and wear it with pride everyday. It is the most beautiful object I own and it means so much to me because it represents our commitment to each other and also the compromises we make for each other. We both agree that even though it was hard, I made the right decision by speaking up about my doubts.

    So dear readers, if you or anyone you know find yourself in a similar predicament, I’d recommend being honest about your feelings.

    Those of you who are engaged/married, please do share your ring stories {or sagas} and your thoughts. Is honesty always the best policy?

  • http://www.exhibitemotions.com Dasha

    Awww, such a sweet post! I enjoyed reading your ‘ring adventures’! Love the final version of it, and well done you for having ‘the talk’ about changing it. It is beautiful! x

  • http://www.bygina.co.uk Gina

    Well done for being honest…..you couldn’t start a marriage on a lie! He would have been more hurt if you didn’t tell him how you felt.
    What a perfect proposal too….your ring is stunning and not much different from the original at all. He did a very good job in choosing it….just needed a thinner band! x

  • http://Website Sarah B

    You definitely did the right thing – very beautiful it is, too!

    I was very lucky. The ring the boy chose for me was perfect, both in style and (somewhat amazingly) size!

  • http://Website Katie

    I admire your honesty, and I think I would have done the same in your boat.

    Have to admit that when the boy proposed, I wasn’t sure about the ring. I had never worn a ring before and wasn’t sure if it was very ‘me’. Luckily that feelings quickly wore off and I now love it…. plus when he proposed, it was by candle light so I couldn’t see very well!

    Absolutely love your ring, it’s stunning!
    xoxo

  • http://www.timestwohearts.co.uk Lizzie

    I love your ‘now’ ring!! I also think you did the right thing, I know it can sound very spoilt brattish but, this is something you are going to wear forever!!!

    Chris did pick out my ring (which I love), however, I did show him the style I liked first!!

    xx

  • http://www.bridalmusings.com Elizabeth

    Awww thank you sooo much for your comments, I really appreciate them. Think I’ll always feel guilty about not sticking with the ring Zee originally chose but you’re right Gina, we couldn’t start our marriage on a lie!
    Very happy for you girls who got your perfect rings first time round {and just a little bit jealous} ;) xxx

  • http://Www.carohutchingsphotography.com Caro hutchings

    Such a sweet story and I’m so glad u spoke up…u couldn’t have been thinking about that forever !! I always knew I had to choose my own ring and after 8 years of making sure the boy knew this he chose me a dummy ring for the proposal and we chose the actual ring together. He once tried to buy me a watch for my bday which I didn’t like , i told him and it caused such an argument I knew the engagement ring had to be chosen by me….,I’m the one wearing it afterall…..ur ring looks beautiful btw and that it one gorgeous diamond!!! X x

  • http://www.bridalmusings.com Elizabeth

    Thanks Caro, I can really relate to the watch situation…yikes.

    Glad your partner got the hint that you wanted to choose your own ring!

    I really feel like making a public announcement: dummy rings are the way forward for proposals! LOL x

  • http://katyhowieson.blogspot.com Katy

    Oh Wow, how beautiful, i bet he’s relieved you spoke upwhen you did and not later :) My fiance was a sneak in the ring choosing, he made an off the cuff remark about getting engaged one day and what sort of ring would i like – i was always wearing big bulky unusual stone rings and i think he was scared it would have to be something similar :P I’m not a big fan of the ‘usual’ and told him rather than diamond i’d like a green stone. He proposed a couple of months later at the spot where we first kissed and presented me with a delicate white gold band with tiny diamonds and an oval green amethyst in the centre :)
    xx

    • Anonymous

      Wow! I love rings with coloured stones, your engagement ring sounds beautiful! x

  • Natty_0307

    My fiance and I have a somewhat similar story. My fiance asked me to marry him after a few months of dating. At the time, he just didn’t have the money to purchase a ring and I understood his situation.  A few years later, he decided he really needed to get me a ring and had saved enough to purchase a modest ring. Being a modest girl, that was exactly what I wanted. We went together but since I rarely wear jewelry and had never even thought about diamonds, I was clueless about the 3 Cs: color, cut, and clarity. So when we went to the jewelers, I saw a simple, white gold band with a small, round solitare. It looked beautiful to me. It was the one. He paid for it and we left. A few days later, I was gazing into the diamond during a particularly boring chemistry class and saw something fuzzy in the middle of the stone. Cleaning the diamond didn’t make it better. I went to another jeweler to ask what it was. She told me there was a “flaw” in the stone.  At first I thought “oh well, this is what I picked.” But it wore on me. I debated for several days about saying something to my fiance but eventually I told him. I had the same feelings as you, Elizabeth. But I told myself that this was the only diamond that I ever cared to own and I didn’t want it to have any flaws; at least not such obvious ones. The fact that it had taken so much to save for even a modest ring made it all the more important.  He had purchased the ring on sale at a local department store that closed at the beginning of the recession in 2008. The jeweler in no way wanted to take the ring back…why would he…it had a flaw. I felt that the flaw should have been pointed out at the time of purchase. I spoke with (cried to) the manager and he made arrangements for us. In order to keep the same price on the ring, we took a small decrease in size to improve the clarity. I have forgotten the numbers of the 3 Cs as they are not important to me. What is important is that I love the ring on my finger and the man who gave to me and the fact that he was understanding of my concern with the original. Our wedding is this October so we’ll be picking wedding bands soon. I think it will go more smoothly this time! :-)

    • Anonymous

      Thanks so much for sharing your story, that must’ve been such a hard decision. I’m clueless about the 3 Cs too but I know that if I saw a noticeable fuzzy, flaw I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it either. I’m impressed with your bargaining skills, I wouldn’t have thought you’d be able to swap the ring! So glad it all worked out in the end. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your plans {and the wedding band shopping!} x

  • sewitseams

    I feel so encouraged by reading your post. I have been married for 5 years now & have never liked my engagement ring. It’s just a plain solitaire with a dainty diamond in the middle, but I’ve always been a creative person & would prefer something a bit more unusual, whether simply a twist in the band or some coloured stones.

    I didn’t tell my hubby my feelings until we’d been married for a year which was a big mistake – I should have had the courage to do it at the time! Everytime a friend gets engaged I always feel really sad about the ring. It’s so silly…I have the man of my dreams! And I’m not a materialistic person, the ring just isn’t ‘me.’ I’ve been thinking about getting it reset or having something added to it, but i hate bringing up the subject as I feel it hurts my hubby. Any advice? 5.5 years feels a long time to have lived with it :( x

    • bridalmusings

      I’m so glad you’re feeling encouraged by my story, I cringe every time I think about it. But thankfully Zee and I can laugh about it now! :)

      (I would love to know what he would have done if I’d bought him a dainty, feminine wedding band covered in diamonds! I’m pretty sure he’d have spoken up and said it wasn’t quite right for him lol)

      I agree it sucks to feel materialistic when you’re really not at all but your engagement ring is something very personal. And as you say, it’s something women are always sharing with each other. So I can understand that sad feeling. 5.5 years IS a long time to have lived with a ring you’re not happy with.

      Your ideas sound beautiful to make it more ‘you’.

      It is a tricky situation but I think the length of time you’ve been married may help to ease any hurt pride on your husband’s part. Maybe a year in when you mentioned it, it still felt a bit raw. But you’ve grown together since then, I’m sure you feel totally and utterly comfortable in each other’s company. So hopefully you can have an open, honest discussion about it and explain that the last thing you want to do is hurt his feelings.

      Perhaps you could suggest it as an anniversary gift? Say that you’re not interested in new jewelry or clothes as you already wear your favourite accessory everyday :)

      You could explain that over the past few years you’ve grown into your personal style and maybe before you had liked the thought of a traditional ring, now you’d like something a little bit extra / creative added.

      Stress the fact that you don’t want to get a new ring/diamond and that you love it because he chose it for you, it’s just that you want to make it a little more unique / ‘you’. You could even suggest adding an inscription too (if don’t already have one) to make it seem all romantic and anniversary appropriate ;)

      Wishing you the very best of luck,

      If you get a chance, please let us know how you get on xx

    • Emilyr

      I had the EXACT thing happen, except I wanted a more simple ring and my husband being the creative one made it much more his style. A few days before our one year anniversary I told him I didn’t like it so now we are looking at gettin me a new one. He was sad I didn’t tell him right away but said he would much rather me have something I love and actually wear than to keep the other to spare his feelings. I say go for it!

    • Roxy Craciun

      Hi I am married for 11 years and I never got an engagement ring, I do get sad from time to time but then I look around me and i know that no rings can bring so much happiness. My husband adores me, we have 6 kids together and every day beside him it’s a blessing.

      A ring is just a cold jewel that will never be able to bring you comfort when you are down or make you smile but most importantly a ring will never love you back.

      He asked me to marry him after 3 days we were together and after 11 years we are still mad about each other.

  • Jbolemiss

    I just had a very similar situation and decided it was worth mentioning based upon whether or not I wanted to hurt his feelings temporarily, or look down at my hand and always be unhappy.  I broke my finacee’s heart by telling him I wasn’t crazy about my ring and only loved it because he did.  In doing so, I broke mine as well for hurting him.  I cried a ton, and it was awful.  Mostly he was shocked because a) he thought I wast trying to put off marrying him (never occurred to me that he’d think that) and b) I had gone on and on about loving it for a week (trying to reassure him and myself that I liked it). 

    We immediately went to the jewelry store to pick out another band (the diamond was beautiful and I definitely didn’t want to change it).  I tried on the bands that I thought I liked better, from having looked online a few months prior (HUGE MISTAKE).  In the end, after we browsed hundreds of rings, and I tried several on, I didn’t like any of them better than the ring I walked in with.  Talk about wondering how you’re going to get out of an awkward situation.

    In the end, I wish I had gone on my own and looked at some rings before telling him that I didn’t love mine since it’s what I ended up keeping.  Definitely would recommend knowing exactly what you want prior to doing what I did.  Luckily, my fiancee forgave me and everything is fine, and now I know that I do love my ring and never will doubt it again.  Unfortunately, I’m still coping for being such an ungrateful jerk, but my fiancee has let it pass, and soon I will too.

    • bridalmusings

      Thanks for sharing, that is such wonderful hindsight advice. I’m so sorry you and your fiance had to go through that – but at least you know for sure now. You could’ve spent years questioning how much you loved your ring and have a niggling feeling that it wasn’t quite right for you. I’m so glad everything turned out alright in the end, please don’t continue to beat yourself up about it. You’re fiancee has forgiven you – I bet he feels very happy/smug that he knows you better than you know yourself! :)

  • Tyler 13

    I have a similar dilemma… My fiance and I have been engaged for over 1 year now, and are getting married this August, 2013. He custom designed my engagement ring using the diamonds from his great-grandmother’s ring. I love antique, vintage style jewelry, and I love the idea that I have heirloom stones in a ring made just for me. But…. the style is not me. Before he proposed we talked about types and styles of rings and stones, I showed him pictures of ones I liked and ones I didn’t, etc. And unfortunately, the ring he designed reminds me of a ring I specifically said I didn’t like. The ring is yellow gold (which I love), with 3 diamonds on a slant like a backslash (), 2 diamonds on either side with two pointed ends going up and down, and a large band to accommodate the diamonds. However, the points and large band make the ring seem harsh, jagged, and asymmetrical, and I like styles that look whimsical, soft, and delicate. I don’t want to upset him because I know he worked really hard with the jeweler making this custom ring, but it’s almost time to get a wedding band, and because of the unique (and awkward) shape of the engagement ring, the wedding band will have to be custom made as well… I just don’t know how it’s going to work out. I’ve casually brought up that I don’t know what kind of wedding band will go with it, but he just says “We’ll figure it out.” While other people have said it’s pretty and nice and so on, I have had someone else tell me it looks like their old grandmother’s… which isn’t really something you want to hear. I don’t want to seem selfish or ungrateful for what he gave me, but at the same time, I want something that will fill me with happiness and love every time I see it, since I will be wearing it for the rest of my life. What should I do?

    • bridalmusings

      Oh goodness, what a difficult predicament. How sweet of your fiance for designing it himself, it’s such a shame he didn’t get it quite right. It’s a very unique ring – don’t think I’ve ever seen one like it before. It’s beautiful but yes, not for the faint hearted or traditional!

      I tend to think, it’s been a year and you haven’t mentioned it yet so maybe you like it more than you think? But if that’s not the case and you can’t imagine looking at it for the rest of your life, perhaps you should speak up now or forever hold your peace.

      Explain that you love the thought, effort and especially the history behind the ring – his great grandmother’s diamonds – but that you’d actually prefer a more traditional style so that you can have a traditional wedding band that slots underneath it perfectly too.

      Explain that you’ve been thinking a lot more about wearing both rings for the rest of your life and that it’s made you admit something you’d pushed aside so as not to hurt his feelings…

      Perhaps you can take it back to the jeweller and work on a new design together?

      Or 

      I actually wear my wedding band and engagement ring on different hands, so that’s an option if you don’t want to have to get a wedding band that fits around your engagement ring. Then you could think about your dream wedding band and have the best of both worlds without hurting your fiance’s feelings. 

      Best of luck with your ring dilemma and wedding plans, let us know how you get on x 

    • Teresa

      I am currently in this situation. I didn’t have a clue my bf was going to propose, it was a big shock and not only that but he had designed the ring for months before he proposed. Its not that I hate it but I just don’t love it either. He is I guess a lot more materialistic than me so he wanted the biggest and best, (bought a huge rock and then covered everything visible with diamonds) I am more understated, simple and elegant would have been perfect. I’m not a huge fan of platinum and really don’t want a band the same.

      Half of the guilt is that you don’t feel like it is anything you should complain about in the first place. I have mentioned it to friends and they think i’m crazy. He has an idea that it wouldn’t have been what i’d pick as we agreed i’d only wear it now and again as its too heavy and big for every day. It had cost him £2000 to design so I can’t ask him to pay to change it. I feel like we are both taking it very personal. I’m wondering why he would give me something so blingy and he is sad i’m not wearing his ring.

      I’m not the world’s most enthusiastic bride to be anyway. Its never been a priority of mine to get married, I really don’t want to change my name or how we are together so having something so visible just adds up to the overwhelming feeling of being completely terrified by the whole situation.

      When I looked at the picture of your ring I wondered maybe if you could make the diamonds straight on a single band? That might be a good compromise.

    • Wanderlustlor

      I’m in the same situation. My fiancé custom designed my ring secretly though I gave many hints about really wanting a thin band. I sent photos to his sister who was helping him decide, again reminding her that I have small hands and it looks out of proportion with large bands. I just wanted something classic and feminine and ended up with a a thick baguette surrounded round. I know his sister forwarded the photos I sent and every one was a square shaped diamond with a very thin band on tiny round diamonds. I don’t know how he could get it sooo wrong. I feel horrible and haven’t said anything in fear of hurting his feelings but have gone to jewelers to see if I can trade in a family diamond and my engagement diamond to upgrade the size of the center stone not even sure if that would help the proportions. I’ve only had it four days have worn it the whole time to see if it “grows on me” but all I can think is hot not my style it is. It’s beautiful, just not for me. Afraid to wait too long to tell him and need advice.

      • Wanderlustlor

        Since my original post I spoke to my fiancé and we both cried a bit about the ring but decided to upgrade the center diamond. I love the new diamond! Drastically helps the proportions. But now my eczema has started to flare up on my finger due to water/soap getting trapped under the thick band. This is one of the many reasons i wanted a thin band. Our jeweler is happy to swap the old setting for a new one using my center diamond for a very small cost. But now the ring has grown on me and I’m not sure i want to give up the design my FI created. But I’d like to be able to wear my ring everyday without skin problems. Will I regret not keeping THE ring he chose for me? And it’s too expensive to alter the original design compared to swapping settings.

        • priceless

          I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I have problems with water/soap getting trapped under my bands and my dermatologist recommended brushing the rings everyday with water and a clean toothbrush (set one aside for this purpose) and also (for me, at least) staying away from foaming soaps- too harsh for me. I put Polysporin on the original eczema to heal it, and put a container of softsoap in the bathroom at work for me to use and- voila!- haven’t had a problem with it in over a year!

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  • holly cleasby

    my engagement ring is an outdated looking ring, mystic topaz with a gold band two weird loops on either side of the stone. It is a hand me down from his mother (her 10th aniversary ring). here is the problem, he knew I wanted a diamond ring, he didnt even have the ring or the idea of giving it to me when he proposed to me, and honestly mystic topaz is so cheap looking and dark. (the proposal we were going about our everyday lives and he just turned to me and asked if I would marry him, sooo unromantic and not at all thought out) I mentioned to him that I am dissapointed by the ring and the proposal a few months later and he got very upset and angry about it; am I wrong to hate my ring?

    • bridalmusings

      Oh Holly, I’m so sorry it didn’t work out as you’d hoped. Perhaps your fiance thought he was being romantic by offering you his mother’s ring – a sweet gesture to show you’re part of his family now.

      But I totally understand why you’d want the opportunity to choose your own ring if it’s not your style at all. Perhaps you could suggest choosing a ring together for your birthday / Christmas / anniversary gift. Explain that you’ll always (ahem) treasure that ring but that you’d love to be able to choose your own, that’s your style and you feel proud showing off.

      If you get on with his mum, talk to her about it – I’m sure she’ll understand and can help explain it to your fiance from a female perspective. (If I’ve misunderstood your comment and she’s sadly passed away then I’m sorry – that makes things trickier.)

      Best of luck!

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  • Adam

    I am reading through these stories and noticing a trend. As a man I have always been under the impression that the ring represents the man that gives it. It is a sign to everyone of who he is on her finger. It is inspired by their love and future together, but it is still about giving himself to her.

    The rich man concerned with his image and wealth will get a large flashy ring so that his wife will reflect his stature and the thoughtful man will get a ring that is modest and pretty. The guy who just doesn’t care about himself will get whatever he sees and so on. This is the example that has been shown in story and movie for as long as I have been around.

    I believe that the ring represents the signature on the contract between two people. It is his signature on her hand, tweaking it a little makes sense, but changing it sounds like you may be with the wrong person. (I don’t think accepting a ring that was used as a commitment for someone else’s relationship to be a good idea)

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  • HaileyNISD

    Oh thank you thank you for posting this. My guy showed me a ring this weekend. We were both so excited! But then I saw it and I have no poker face….he knew I didn’t like it (and believe me I’ve tried so hard to). He’s hurt and I am too but I know we’ll figure it out. It is comforting to know others have gone thru the same thing!

  • Ring wringer!

    Okay so reading this article has really helped me out! My husband spent a lot of money on getting me a ring on our anniversary and I absolutely hate it!
    I feel bad cause he spent so much money on it, I guess I’ll cook him something nice and break the news to him. Wish me luck!

  • what do I do?

    But what if you’ve been married for a year? he even said at first “If you don’t like it, we can get a different one”. I assured him I liked it because I didn’t want to appear ungrateful or like a gold digger. I especially didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I feel like the whole proposal and ring were kind of pulled out from under me. My now husband wrote to my dad asking for my hand and my dad called me to tell me that days before my husband proposed! “surprise” proposal at the Grand Canyon at sunset completely RUINED! I haven’t told my husband that because I know he would get very upset. My husband asked what I’d like in a ring back when we were dating and i told him I didn’t want a diamond (White Topaz or some other non-blood diamond gem was what i REALLY wanted) and was hoping for something with a little flash to it. He gave me a diamond ring that is no doubt, pretty, but not at all my taste. It’s very, very dainty. I find myself looking at rings and admiring other womens rings all the time. I had the same feelings as you–I didn’t want to hurt him or make him upset or act like some spoiled brat, because I’m not at all. I don’t want some huge stone that makes it hard to get my hand in my pocket. I’ve put his feelings above what I really wanted and its now starting to really eat at my conscience. I even picked out a band with white topaz gems to give it just a bit more sparkle in hopes that it would help me change my mind. I love my wedding band, its exactly what I wanted. Guess what? It didn’t change my engagement ring or how I feeel. I just feel like the entire situation happened so fast that I was left in the dust. Now what?

  • Tangled

    I don’t know if anyone even reads this anymore, but I have a problem no one really touched on here.

    I recently found my engagement ring–purely by accident–in a suitcase packed for an upcoming trip to Disneyland. I was elated when I found that little velvet box, and promised myself I wouldn’t look at the actual ring until it was in my boyfriend’s proposing hands. The curiosity, I should have known, ended up becoming too strong as the hours went by. I peeked.

    Days went on and finally I over-indulged. I opened the box completely! What I saw didn’t name my heart flutter. It made it drop. I could tell right away that it was a fake. After some basic tests (yes, I’m a horrible person) I concluded that the setting was a cheap, thin, fashion jewelry material, and the stone was cubic zirconia.

    Now, please don’t get me wrong. I adore my boyfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just feel slightly off about the ring. I mean, I really don’t even need a ring, but I feel that the ring symbolizes something, and to have a ring that clearly wasn’t an investment kind of makes me feel like I’m not that much of an investment either.

    He makes enough that I know he could have paid for even the most modest of pieces. I just wasn’t expecting so little. Ugh.

    Anyways, it’s not the end of the world. But how do I tell him that I want something real? Is it even right of me to desire this??

    • Rplaporte

      what if he got a cheap version to propose with – and intends to shop with you for the real deal? did he end up proposing on your trip?

  • Rene

    Wow I have been living with this guilt for just about a year and our wedding is in October it came out once in a argument bad call….

  • Sherry

    For me, I like the ring. The only thing is that it is from a big brand store jewlery, and I know he did spend a little fortune on that ring! I just can’t help but think it was a rip off to buy 2-3x the price of a regular ring that would have cost so much less somewhere else, to a regular jewlery store…. Or the diamond could have been 2 times the size for the same price…

    I don’t really care about the size, but the fact that he paid twice more for a name, I feel guilty and bad…

    • Kelseycate

      I feel so guilty too. I have have been engaged to my fiancé for a year now. I love my ring to peices and we picked it out together. However, after everything said and done it was $1200 for 1/2 t.w bridal set. So I’m basically only wearing 1/4 T.w on my finger right now, and I don’t mind at all. It beyond beautiful. However It has had so many problems and I am not rough with my hands. I work at another jewelery shop that doesn’t sell engament rings so I know how to handle jewlery. Just the other day thought we saw a 1ct ring for $1100 at the navy exchange ad!! We both got this heart in the stomach sinking feeling that we wasted money on a ring that keeps giving us problems and is the same amount of money as a better quality ring. The 1/2 ct was only $499!!!! It just made is so upset. There is no way of returning myset for the money and just getting the $499(same size) and letting him keep the rest since he really needs the money. It’s just so upsetting. It was a ripoff. He had to go to a big name store and not the NEX. Which bugs me more.

  • Ell

    I could use some advice.
    My boyfriend and I just recently got engaged. We have now been together for 7 years and we spent several months looking at rings together. We picked out the perfect ring. It was beautiful; simple, classic, clean…I was in love. Out of nowhere his family offered him his great grandmothers ring, whom neither of us had met before she passed. I have a hard time with the whole heirloom thing. My family is nothing short of a mess. We have had several conversations about how I couldn’t wait to start a life together as a family, a fresh start. I even tried to talk to him when I found out about the heirloom ring but he was set on using it. My fiancée had it modified and I don’t think it is ugly by any means, but looking at it I feel hurt. I feel like it’s not mine, like I’m playing dress up and I’m have a hard time understanding why he’d let me fall in love with a ring that we got to pick out together and then just change it without thinking how it would make me feel.
    I’m so excited to marry him. I’ve loved him for so long. But I’m afraid to talk to him. It’s not even like we could just have it reset. To me the stone represents someone else’s love story, someone we know nothing about except her name.
    What do I do?!
    I’ve kept my mouth shut for over a month. But I have a pit in my stomach. I feel selfish and materialistic and awful. Please Help!

    • http://www.JaneAgainstTheWorld.blogspot.ca Jane Spring

      Say something. If you explain your reasons exactly how you told it here it’s very respectful and honest. Not one thing about what you just said is unreasonable. He seems like a wonderful man and if he loves you and you explain yourself just as you did here, he’ll understand. he may be a little hurt but in the end, the most important thing is a beginning of a few family and that’s what means most to you. He loves you. He’ll understand :) good luck

  • Melz

    Ok so I’m not sure how to feel about my situation. But I recently found out the my husband proposed to me with his sisters old engagement ring where she called off the wedding. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs he proposed to me 4 yrs ago. When he proposed to me with the ring I honestly hated it and didn’t know if I should of express my hate for the ring out not.

    • Dee Dabs

      Id say something to him about it… If he didnt have the money at the time thats one thing, but he should start putting thought into getting you a new ring. I personally would not want a reminder of her failed relationship on my finger.

      • Melz

        I’m just super pissed at his sister as well because she knew I was wearing her old ring for all these years . She probably got a kick out of me wearing her old ring. And what pissed me off more is that she pretended to go ring shopping with my husband and helped pick out my ring. And she kept complimenting on the ring. As for my husband he’s shocked that I found out and has plans on replacing my ring, the only problem is my band and enhancer are all soldered together on the engagement. It just makes me so upset knowing we got the ring blessed and exchanged vows with her ring ugh!!! Oh and he had the money, he paid her for her old ring with the money he paid her, he could of gotten me a really nice new ring! The situation was that she needed money and she mentioned she had the ring so she got his money and he gave me her old ring !

        • http://www.JaneAgainstTheWorld.blogspot.ca Jane Spring

          read my post further up, it’s kinda similar. you should be PISSED! I’d definitely have it out with him about this. That would eat away at me until I got it off my chest.

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  • Pearl

    I got a gold sapphire ring he found somewhere, about 5sizes too big for me. Spend $90 to re-size myself. So I guess we make a big deal out of nothing. The big flashy diamonds is mainly for show and we come to realise this if we are really honest with ourselves. I could go out and get myself a 2carat diamond but I doubt its going to make my marriage better or me any happier in the long scheme of things. So I wear the ring he gave me and just be happy I have found a man who loves me dearly, listens to me and is good to me in every way he can. Isn’t that what matters at the end?

  • Renee Porte

    Before ingot to the part where you got the new ring I was thinking “just tell him you will get a very similar ring but daintier! Great approach. My hubby would be happier with me happier even after the hard part of telling him and him accepting.

  • Girl with no ring

    I was proposed and hated the ring. I gave so many hints on what my perfect ring would be like, went as far as sending a picture. For me a ring is important it means commitment it means I am off the shelf it means for ever so give me something I love to wear have and stear at. When I was proposed it was on a card. A written note. I never heard the words ” do you want to be mine foreve? Do you want to marry me? Nothing it was in writing only. The ring was not what I liked felt he had not planned this very special moment it felt like a spur of the moment. I wasn’t going to say anything but I googled what to do. It said basically to say is to big bulky etc not to say is not me… I didn’t like it so I did that and hell broke loose…I was ungreatful and he said he didn’t want to marry me at the end the engagement and ring sucked. Guess it was a sign he wasn’t the one

  • Octavia

    I asked for opal and for years told him how much I hated diamonds. And I got diamonds – a lot of them. I don’t know what to do. I was really let down. My mom just told me that he knows that I don’t like the ring. I don’t know what to do. In your story he didn’t know you didn’t like it. My fiance knows I don’t like it. So what should I do? I can’t really talk to him about it since he already knows I don’t like it and already knows what I want. Opal is even less expensive than diamonds.

    • http://www.JaneAgainstTheWorld.blogspot.ca Jane Spring

      Take the initiative and go to the jewelry store on your own and assess what your options are in terms of swapping it out. If he already knows you don’t like it he’s not going to be shocked you changed it. If he did get upset I would say, “We all knew I didn’t like the ring. You didn’t make an effort for us to resolve the problem together and I didn’t want to wear something every single day for the rest of my life that I don’t love.” Doesn’t it kind of irk you though, that he *knew* exactly what you wanted, knowingly gives you one you don’t like, and then make no effort at all to make sure you were happy with the most important thing from one of the biggest moments of your life?

    • juke

      I totally agree with you! He should be thrilled that you want opal! I asked for opal and my fiancé said when he went to the store the woman was trying to sell him diamonds and he said he kept reminding her that I wanted opal! So even sales woman have trouble understanding what we want! Lol I would sit down and talk to him. I know it’ll be hard and you’ll feel guilty but he needs to take into consideration what you want otherwise it’s not a good sign for the future.

  • Jane Spring

    When I was a teenager my uncle left a relationship after being engaged for ten years. Yes, ten years. that should be a red flag if the wedding date is a decade from the proposal. On my birthday my Uncle gave me a card that said, “This is supposed to belong to my favorite girl in the world.” It was the engagement ring. We were really close, like a second dad. It was so beautiful and it meant so much. I was only 14 at the time. I kept it in my keepsake box. Jump ahead seven years and my boyfriend at the time who had seen the ring and knew about it, took me out to a romantic restaurant and over candle light started his romantic build up to ‘Will You Marry Me?’ and presented me with MY ring that I already owned!! he didn’t go ring shopping he just went in my closet. he said he thought it could be a family heirloom. That engagement was broken. So far this ring has been bad luck for two engagements but it still sits in my closet. I’m thinking about selling it. it;s not a romantic ring if it’s seen nothing but heartbreak lol

  • Jane

    I have been engaged for over a month and can still sob my eyes out over how guilty I feel that I don’t love my ring. My fiance spent 4k on a radiant cut diamond that is just way too big and nothing I would have ever hoped for. I hoped for a small, unassuming round diamond but he never once asked me about what I would even like. The guilt of how much he spent and how I just cannot force it to be my taste is eating me alive, but I don’t have the courage to say anything. I admire your courage to be honest!!!!

  • Sonia

    I have a dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage for a long time, so he’s planning on proposing, I just don’t know when. Last night, he asked me if I’d rather purchase a ready made ring, or would I trust him to design one for me. He knows the style I like (we’ve looked at lots of photos), and the romantic in me is saying ‘let him make one’. But I’m very picky, I don’t wear a lot of jewelry, and am afraid that even with suggestions from me, he might design something that won’t suit me. I feel like a selfish jerk, but I can’t imagine wearing something every day for the rest of my like that I don’t like. Any ideas how I should approach this?

    • Lucy

      You are not a selfish jerk. I would say purchase a ready made one that you yourself have signed off on. I had sent my fiancé pictures of what I’d like and it didn’t turn out the way I had wanted. Looking back I wish I had been more hands on and direct. I also just tried rings at one store only and wish I looked at more places with different styles. It is something you’ll be wearing everyday, possibly the rest of your life so you’ll really want to love it and not leave any room for error.
      That being said I have a girlfriend that was not involved at all with the planning process and her man came thru with the ring of her dream (I’ve seen it myself and it really is droolworthy).
      Best of luck!

  • Joanne

    I have the same dilemma with my engagement ring…the diamond itself is beautiful. Except the setting is not really what I wanted. I typically come off as a simple girl which is why I think he picked the setting that he chose…but I was hoping for one with diamonds all around the band with a four-pronged setting as opposed to 6. I got a solitaire with 6 prongs. I hate it :( I feel bad for not liking it, but at the same time I feel sad looking at the ring. He put an engraving on it too…so it’s nonrefundable….ugh. And it’s not even my size! I feel like crying now because I’m not happy with it but I’m stuck with it. I’ve already mentioned that it wasn’t really the ring I envisioned and he did get hurt and offended….he called me a brat…maybe I am. But I don’t usually go big on most things…I’ve always told him he’s more high maintenance than me and he admits to it. So I wanted a little more on my ring, what’s the harm in that? :'(

  • Dee

    I have a similar situation going on right now. There was this tiny diamond that has been apparently passed down from marriage to marriage in his family and I was unaware of it. Low and behold, I received the same diamond when he proposed. Problem being, I’ve never been a fan of diamonds, I’ve always dreamed of all things non traditional and wanted a big sparkly blue sapphire as my ring. Furthermore, the way the ring was designed (and I found out later the ring design wasn’t his choice, it was just what would fit the same diamond that had been passed along 4 marriages…) had the diamond stick out and it wasn’t very flush. I’m very physically active and the dumb thing just gets in the way all the time. After months I finally spoke up and told him as much as I appreciate the historic gesture, the ring just wasn’t for me. He was quite upset and said I wasn’t allowed to change it (family tradition, yada yada) for a while. But then when it came to his band he wanted to wear his grandfather’s yellow gold band and I HATE yellow gold and wanted our rings to match. He realized that he shouldn’t choose what I wear if I wasn’t allowed to have a say in what he wore. We are now shopping for a few rings and the family ring will likely go into a safe deposit box for the next couple down.

  • MRC

    Whew, I have some of the same issues….mine proposed about 3 weeks ago and we had looked at a number of very pretty rings all of which got my thumbs up all day. However, when he proposed he had bought nothing like what we had had looked at, at all….while I am TomBoy and am from day to to day an Engineer So I assume he thinks I am grimmy all day long, but honestly none of my accessories are very plain…the few i do have…So my point is my ring is an almost flawless 1 carat Princess Cut on a plain 14k white gold band. Whereas its not about the cost to me I wanted the best value for the dollar so we had looked at round less perfect diamonds with a halo and MicroPave diamonds, which would have a been probably half the cost of the ring he paid for. I know how much because I was the one who had to insure the ring since it is with me until we get married. His reasoning was two fold, he does not like side or extra diamonds so he basically bought the ring he likes as opposed to what I wanted secondly he said because I am fairly atheletic and a busy Mom of teenagers, as well as my work schedule He said that in his mind this is how he saw me Plain Jane….To say I am more dis-satified would be an understatement….I has said he views me as a China Doll and and I am very traditional.
    Okay so I am flattered, but I still hate my ring……and he can’t really understand why. And I forgot to mention that its the same cut, metal and carat that my exhusband of 13 years gave me years ago….Just a lot of issues circumventing this whole ring issue.

  • CV

    So, I went through all of this, he picked a ring without asking my friends or finding out my style – and I really didn’t like it. After many fights and me kicking and screaming, we exchanged the ring for something more to my liking. A year and a half later the guilt of hurting his feelings has not gone away, so much so that I’m considering buying myself the original ring. Any thoughts on that or how to get over this? I love him dearly and I don’t believe that a ring symbolizes the relationship. But I can’t get over how hurt he was, and still is (he gets sad and “reminds” me from time to time).

  • Thalassophile

    I’m so glad I found this thread. It had put my mind at ease and made me feel less horrible about my situation. Good to know I’m not the only one who has been through this! After 7 years together and waiting very patiently my fiance finally proposed last September by planning a surprise trip to Santorini. I totally didn’t expect it as the trip was disguised as a getaway from the building work we were currently undertaking and I was just relieved to be escaping the chaos of our lives. Everything was perfect, the location, the hotel, the proposition. Out of the blue I was presented with a little turquoise box wrapped in white ribbon and then my world fell apart. I was so shocked he had actually planned this all to propose that I didn’t have the heart to tell him the ring wasn’t right. I was elated and heartbroken all at the same time because although it was a beautiful ring it wasn’t right for me. I’m tall, well built and my hands are big with long fingers. The ring has a thin band with a tiny stone which not only gets lost in the expanse of hand but also makes my hands look even bigger. Like you I popped it back it it’s box and thought it will be fine, I will grow to love it. We went back to Tiffany when we got back to London to get the ring resized and I was hoping he would say the magic words ‘you can change it, I won’t mind’. They never came and I had the ring resized. 0.4ct Tiffany classic solitaire (Size N1/2) I’ve been wearing it for 8 months now and every time I look at my finger I get upset. It’s not right for me but I couldn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to upset him. Instead I stayed quiet and upset myself. I can’t wear it with pride. I hide my hands and don”t relish being engaged even after such a long wait. I stare at my finger 100 times a day with a heavy heart. After a few encounters with other engaged ladies who loved their rings I broke. I told my fiance the ring was wrong and he got upset. I cried. He was angry I didn’t say anything at the time as now it was too late to return it. I was angry I didn’t say anything but that he also didn’t think about ME when buying the ring. He didn’t consult my sister, or my mum. He just went out and bought it. (He admitted it had never crossed his mind (men!) ) Ladies, if you have just got engaged and are in a similar position, don’t leave it too late. It only gets more difficult and causes unnecessary stress and heartache down the line. If I had said something then, we would have changed it and it would have been forgotten about. I would be wearing a ring with pride and getting on with life. Instead it’s become the elephant in the room and has put a bit of a stain on what is supposed to be a special time. Speak up.

  • Jessicathom

    I am in the same situation as Thalassophile and I think all of the women in this thread have pretty much the same issue the ring isn’t right! We’ve been engaged for 11 months and since I first saw the ring I knew I didnt like it. Even though I showed him the exact ring I wanted a few months before we got engaged it wasn’t even similar to the ring I picked. I’m a simple girl and I wouldn’t mind even 1/2 carat on a tiny band but I got a bulk ring with lots of diamonds. I thought to myself I might grow to love it because I love him but instead I’m growing to hate it. I hate the thought he didn’t go by example ring I picked, I hate he didn’t take my friend or my family to pick the ring instead he took his parents. Which they don’t know my style so why take them? The sad part is I know my ring isn’t amazing in the style because when I show it off no one is awing in how beautiful it looks. It breaks my heart every single time. So, I finally brought it up to my fiancé! Like everyone else it didn’t go so well. He is hurt. He thinks every women who has asked to change their ring is a bitch! But I’m not even asking for a bigger diamond (sad face) I’m asking for a simple small ring…am I a bitch. He has agree to change my ring but I don’t want him to feel hurt every time he see my new ring…I don’t know what to do.

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